What I’m about to describe to you, my lovelies, is a dream I had the other night. I must warn you, it is full of “huh?” and “what the hell is wrong with you?” moments. It’s not x-rated or anything, so you prudes don’t have to worry.
I don’t know why or how, but my family gets invited over to Angelina Jolie’s house. Yup. That’s how it starts. My subconscious is lazy as fuck. Anyway, we get there via private jet courtesy of the Jolie-Pitts. When we arrive we learn that Brad won’t be there because he’s on location filming a movie. That’s probably why this dream is not x-rated. (Seriously, wtf brain?!) Jolie invites us in, and i remember feeling instantly disgusted by everything. My face looked like this the whole time. For some reason, Brangelina’s house was gaudy as hell. I mean so GAUDY Liberace didn’t have shit on them. I don’t know why, because I’d assumed that they had a more cool style. Not that I care, but i remember thinking that in my dream. The part I remember most about the interior of the house was the bathroom. It was as big as my apartment. Mostly, it was normal. It was off white and had a light colored Italian marble tile on the walls. The vivid part was the bathtub. It wasn’t the tub so much as what they used for privacy. Instead of doors or a shower curtain, there was a 8ft tall sculptural monstrosity. It was very similar to this dolphin figurine but the glaze was more opalescent, there were more waves in the background and the dolphins were smiling. In my dream, i walked in to the bathroom, saw this thing, said WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!, said I’ll just hold it and walked right back out.
The next thing I remember is going outside. Their lawn was AstroTurf green and was devoid of any other kind of plant life. It was like being in a surreal painting. Intense blue sky, vivid green lawn, stark white house with giant white marble sculptures at the front and rear entrances. And in the middle of the lawn, there sat a 10 foot deep above ground swimming pool made of seamless glass. Again, i made a face. I didn’t go in at first because i was too busy judging the hell out of these people. I thought, all this money and that’s what you put in your backyard? And how the hell are the kids supposed to play in that shit? She needs to get her ass to a public pool and see how family fun is done! I looked up and remember seeing feet and bathing suit covered crotch. I shook my head and went to try to have fun.
I remember trying to dive in the pool. I stood on the edge and jumped so high i started passing through clouds. my face was getting cold. I distinctly recall telling myself STOP! You don’t like flying dreams, remember dumbass? So I land in the pool, hang on to the sides for a bit. then get out.
When leaving, Jolie asks us how we enjoyed our time and I just let loose on her. I start reprimanding her for her tackiness, her unsafe pool, asking her where her kids are (not one kid in the whole dream). She stands there with a blank look in her eyes and a half smile on her face, unblinking. Suddenly I see a thin line forming diagonally across her forehead. Then another across her cheek. On her chin. Til there are dozens. She continues looking me right in the eye. She spreads her arms slowly, as though she wants to embrace me. I stare at her half expecting what comes next. She inhales deeply and, opening her mouth impossibly wide, she screams and explodes into a multitude of tiny fragments…and i wake up.
How’s that for a tall glass of what-in-the-hell-are-you-smoking?