Tell Me About It, STUD

October 28, 2012


By now i’m sure you’ve all heard about FRANKENSTORM!!! There are 3 things about this storm that are more catastrophic than the actual weather.

1. I get Sandy from Grease stuck in my head EVERY GODDAMN TIME I listen to the news. I love that movie, but that song makes me want to stick a qtip all the way in my ears. Fuck that song.

2. It makes our Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, speak Spanish. Here’s what he sounded like last year for Hurricane Irene. I’d admire him for trying if a) Spanish speaking people actually understood wtf he’s saying, and b) if I didn’t know for a fact that he has a number of Spanish speaking people on his staff.

3. Sandy’s supposed to hit shore tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is my birthday. I didn’t make any plans, but still. Wtf, nature?! Last year, you made it snow on my bday. But that wasn’t enough for you, was it? Noooo. You gotta be all dramatic an’ shit. Gotta go and mix a hurricane and a winter storm together. What’s next? A tornado? Alien landings? A Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, & Tooth Fairy sex tape scandal?! Enough is ENOUGH, Nature!

(Dedicated to all my fellow east coast peeps who have to deal with this crap. Stay safe and try to find the humor in all this. Also, stock up on le booze 😉 )


Americans For Prosperity Has Gas… Vouchers

October 25, 2012

Flatulence jokes! They’re always appropriate.

This morning I heard about a gas voucher promotion in New Jersey. The first 150 customers to get to a certain gas station in NJ would get vouchers that would allow them to pay only $1.84 a gallon for gas. Then, to my surprise, the crappy morning “news” show actually reported who was funding the promotion. It was Americans For Prosperity, a group that was founded and is largely funded by the Koch family.

That’s right. The same group that is known for being so full of truthiness (SARCASM) is treating you to lower gas prices out of the kindness of their hearts… PSYCH! They want to remind you of how much gas was when Obama got elected in 2008. They want to convince you that it’s all the government’s fault that gas prices are ridiculous.

They say the reason why gas prices are too damn high is because of Obama and fancy parties (WARNING: right-wing site). If ::ominous music:: BIG GOVERNMENT would stop wasting money, lower taxes on gas, and stop overregulating the gas & oil companies we’d get better prices at the pump. DUH!

The problem is that the aforementioned flatulence is coming out of the mouth of AFP. The truth is, the US President has very little control over gas prices.

But while the notion that the government could somehow control gasoline prices is appealing, the reality is that the price you pay is set daily, sometimes hourly, by market forces around the world.

Wall Street speculators, who AFP believes should not be regulated, are mostly to blame for the pain at the pumps. If we wanted to alleviate the problem, we’d have to regulate Wall St.. But AFP says that’s bad because BIG GOVERNMENT restricting the free market is bad. So, basically, they’re kind of full of shit on this point.

AFP is also kind of full of shit (half full, cuz i’m an optimist) on the whole $1.84 a gallon in 2008 thing. While gas prices did drop considerably at the end of 2008, they peaked at over $4 a gallon earlier in that year. So AFP, was that W. Bush’s fault? Why didn’t he lower the price if he could? Yeah…no. Gas prices dropped because of a little thing called a global recession. Blaming any president doesn’t make much sense.

What does makes sense is why AFP cares about gas prices, once we step back and FOLLOW THE MONEY. Koch Industries, owned by the Koch family, claims that it shouldn’t be considered a “Big Oil” company because it’s business interests are so diverse & it isn’t the biggest oil company. ThinkProgress lit a match to conquer the stench of that big fat lie earlier this year. Not only does Koch Industries own oil refineries, they are one of the largest oil and gas lobbyists in Washington. And and AND, they’re participating in that shady stock market speculating shit that’s ACTUALLY contributing to the high gas prices!! SHOCKING!

Koch Industries, through Americans For Prosperity, is trying to distract from the fact that they are DIRECTLY to blame for high gas prices. Not regulations. Not BIG GOVERNMENT.

People may ask why I care about this. I don’t own a car (PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION 4 LYF!!!). I care because oil & gas prices affect the prices of just about everything else we need. I’m not saying don’t take advantage of the AFP gas voucher thing. That’s ridiculous and unrealistic. I’m saying be aware and don’t let the crumbs they throw at you influence your political/socioeconomic views.


Dumbass of the Week

October 2, 2012


My beauty sleep is disturbed every weekday morning by Mr. Blue Collar turning on the t.v.. He has the courtesy to put on the “news” show I hate the least, because he looooves me.

Anyhow, while I groggily waited for the weather forecast, they reported on this very important piece of history-changing news: some woman on some mom forum was getting shit for posting some ridiculous boojie ridiculousness. Normally I ignore things I hear on regular network news because 1- it’s usually bullshit and 2- I don’t give a rat’s ass. But, being the glutton for punishment that I am, I googled the following, “Manhattan parents ‘scraping by’ on $400,000 household incomes.” Yup, you read that right. I know, I was hoping it was satire, too. I found the original posting on UrbanBaby. Hang on to your Kmart hats, boys & girls. It’s about to get dumb up in this piece.

I earn 200k and my DH [dear husband] earns 200k. Total HHI [household income] is 400k. We have 2 children. We could afford to send them to private school, but we would have to scrape and forego a lot (especially since our HHI is only 350k after nanny) and we would not qualify for financial aid. However, if I quit my job and became a SAHM [stay at home mom] we would have a HHI of 200k, which would put us in the realm of financial aid (AND we could save the 50k+ cost of having a nanny). I am not going to quit my job to orchestrate this, but I resent the fact that private tuition is so high, in part because the people who pay are financing the tuition of the people who don’t pay (including families with 200k HHI and SAHMs). This is all just so screwed up.

Don’t you dare play sad violin music while reading that! You might cry your eyes out all day long, lamenting over the fact that there’s nothing you can do to help these poor, poor souls. So what if you haven’t shopped at a store that isn’t secondhand in years? Nevermind that you’d have to save up for months for a family weekend getaway, praying no one gets sick beforehand because if they do, you’ll have to use that money to pay for healthcare. Doesn’t matter! Cancel xmas, birthdays, and EVERYTHING so we can send all the money to this family. They are CLEARLY the neediest of the needy!

I bet you think the dumbass is the person who posted that beautifully heart-wrenching rant, but it isn’t. No, the DotW in this case is the forum, UrbanBaby. I don’t like mom forums in general. They seem to be nothing more than a place for moms to judge the shit out of each other to make themselves feel better (says the mom who is totally judging the shit out of the person who posted on the mom forum). This particular forum, however, seems to be nothing more than upper middle class people complaining that their privileged lives aren’t privileged enough. Scrolling through the site, I swear I’ve never felt better about being broke. The only good thing about reading this caca is watching the boojies turn on each other. People who make $200k a year with a stay at home parent are considered leeches! I love it!

I could go on and on about how these fucktards are too busy keeping up with the Joneses to notice how comfortable their lives could be if they stopped being dumbasses. OR pointing out the fact that there’s a high probability that whatever work she & her dumbass husband do isn’t work $200k apiece. OR that she’s probably lying about paying her nanny (fucking NANNY!!!) $50k a year. But I won’t. I’ll just say this: if your household income is $400k a year and you can’t figure out how to make shit work, you need to take a remedial class in how to make & stick to a household budget. Because us poor uneducated leeches not only know how to do it, we’re fucking great at it. Maybe your nanny can teach you all about it. After all, she manages to scrape by on the “$50k” you pay her.

Hmm, I just noticed that UrbanBaby is owned by CBS. I wonder if that explains anything…. Nah, i’m sure it’s just a coincidence…

(this post is dedicated to my brother from another mother, Manny Jalonschi. I know nothing makes you happier than ripping on the boojie mofos. Happy birthday!)