Things You Will Never Be As Cool As… Part 2

Hello again, you sexy beasts! Sorry about the delay in giving you part 2 (No. No, I’m really not). There were unavoidable family emergencies and my blue collar family is ALWAYS more important than you people. So, deal with it.

Do you know what else you’ll never be as cool as? No, you don’t. Do you want to know? Of course you do. Do you want me to tell you? You bet your ass you do! If you haven’t guessed it by now, you are inferior in every way to people who ask and answer their own rhetorical questions. Over. And over. And over. Why do they do this? I don’t know. Does it make me want to slap a bitch? Yes. Yes it does.

If you live in a city with a subway system (not the sandwich place, dumbass), especially NYC, this one is for you:

Don’t you ever forget that people who put their feet all over public shit are VERY IMPORTANT. So what if other people want to sit down? So what if a toddler has to hold on to the pole right after they’ve rubbed their crustastic feet all over it? Dude, your toddler’s level of awesome is nowhere near these people. They’re so fucking great, they take the subway just so that YOU’LL KNOW how great they are. Don’t you dare tell them to move. Ever.

Pat. Motherfucking. Sajak. You will never be this cool. He’s hosted Wheel of whoever sleeps with him wins, no questions asked Fortune since I was in the womb. He stares at Vanna’s boobies every single episode. He segues into commercial break like a fucking boss.The icing on the cake of superiority? He doesn’t think union members should have equal rights! YEAH PAT! Tell them motherfucking middle class workers to get their dirty commie asses out of the voting pool! Who cares about the Constitution? This is Pat. Motherfucking. Sajak we’re talking about here. Bitches better reconnnnnnize!

For those of you who have a problem with all the cussing, he’s a pic of cutsie type things.

Please feel free to add any of your own things you’ll never be as cool as in the comments section.

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One Response to Things You Will Never Be As Cool As… Part 2

  1. Toad says:

    HAHAHAHA, this made me laugh. It’s all true.

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