Things You Will Never Be As Cool As… Part 2

September 21, 2011

Hello again, you sexy beasts! Sorry about the delay in giving you part 2 (No. No, I’m really not). There were unavoidable family emergencies and my blue collar family is ALWAYS more important than you people. So, deal with it.

Do you know what else you’ll never be as cool as? No, you don’t. Do you want to know? Of course you do. Do you want me to tell you? You bet your ass you do! If you haven’t guessed it by now, you are inferior in every way to people who ask and answer their own rhetorical questions. Over. And over. And over. Why do they do this? I don’t know. Does it make me want to slap a bitch? Yes. Yes it does.

If you live in a city with a subway system (not the sandwich place, dumbass), especially NYC, this one is for you:

Don’t you ever forget that people who put their feet all over public shit are VERY IMPORTANT. So what if other people want to sit down? So what if a toddler has to hold on to the pole right after they’ve rubbed their crustastic feet all over it? Dude, your toddler’s level of awesome is nowhere near these people. They’re so fucking great, they take the subway just so that YOU’LL KNOW how great they are. Don’t you dare tell them to move. Ever.

Pat. Motherfucking. Sajak. You will never be this cool. He’s hosted Wheel of whoever sleeps with him wins, no questions asked Fortune since I was in the womb. He stares at Vanna’s boobies every single episode. He segues into commercial break like a fucking boss.The icing on the cake of superiority? He doesn’t think union members should have equal rights! YEAH PAT! Tell them motherfucking middle class workers to get their dirty commie asses out of the voting pool! Who cares about the Constitution? This is Pat. Motherfucking. Sajak we’re talking about here. Bitches better reconnnnnnize!

For those of you who have a problem with all the cussing, he’s a pic of cutsie type things.

Please feel free to add any of your own things you’ll never be as cool as in the comments section.


Things You Will Never Be As Cool As…

September 9, 2011

HELLO, my lovely lovelies!! Have you all had a good summer? Never mind, I don’t really give a shit. I’m sorry for my long absence, yet again. I’m having internet-related troubles at home (i.e.- I don’t want to pay for fucking internet), so I’ve had to schlep my laptop over to my local dirty pinko commie library to use their wifi. Which led me to my inspiration for this post.

You will NEVER IN YOUR LIFE be as cool as bloggers/writers who take their laptops to their local wifi hotspot and write for all the world to see! There is nothing more cozy than going to a public area and writing about your deepest thoughts and feelings while the local creepy hobo stares intently over your shoulder, asking about your wallpaper and what HP7 stands for (HARRY POTTER 4 LYYYYYYYYF).

Do you own a belt. Well, my friend, I must tell you that your belt in inferior in every way. Here is the proof:

I’m betting you’re speechless with awe and wonderment. I’ll give you a moment… The best part of the existence of this belt is a 2 parter: 1- my friends and I call it the DAINERACE(like Liberace, but with the name Dain! SEE?! SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!) because it was bought by a person named Dain who is…2- a dude! Guys, don’t even act like you don’t want the shit out of this belt. Look how it could pull this whole emsemble together
AMIRIGHT?! Also, these!

I will be back next week for a part 2, I promise!