I’ll Be Back When I’m Back!

If you’re easily offended by people criticizing religion, please don’t read this blog post. While it’s not meant to hurt feelings or single anyone out specifically, it will probably be quite offensive to some.

Now, I don’t have a problem with most people’s belief in their god of choice. The fact of the matter is, I really don’t care what you believe as long as A)you don’t try to convert me, and B)it helps you to be a better person in your secular life. What starts getting me annoyed is when I hear stuff like 1/3 of Americans believe the bible to be literally true. Really? Like, literally literally? Well, that got me to thinking…

Let’s say Jesus existed. I don’t know whether or not he actually lived, but I like to think so. Let’s assume he did for the sake of this post. If I could travel back in time, I wouldn’t want to be around for the actual Jesus part. No, I’d want to go back to just after the ascension. Remember, The Apostles thought Jesus was coming back soon. If we take the bible to be literally true, we see proof of this in Matthew 10:23 and Revelation 22:12(I think there are other references, but I’m too lazy to look them up right now).

So, I’d like to go back to about 20 years after the ascension. You know, when people were starting to realize hey, maybe he’s not actually coming back. I want to see the rationalization and excuses and interpretations that started happening. Like the one about how Jesus/Heaven time isn’t the same as Earth time. Stuff like that.

It’s like Jesus was one of those Dads who says he’s going to the store for a pack of smokes and never comes home. When you ask how long he’s gonna be he tells you “I’ll be back when I’m back, JESUS!” and slams the door. Here you are, 20 years later, still watching the door. Waiting for him to come home. When someone tells you to give it up, he’s never coming back and you need to get on with your life, the 8-year-old in you comes out and you scream, “HE SAID HE’S COMING BACK! Just you wait! When he gets back he’s gonna give me everything I want. He’ll take me to the carnival and buy me a pony and I’ll always be young and happy and never sad again EVER! And then you’ll be SORRY you EVER said those things about him. Just wait, it’s going to be SO FUCKING AWESOME and you won’t get to join the awesome because you’re a big fat MEANIE who doesn’t BELIEVE!”

Look, I’m not saying don’t believe in whatever you want to believe. I’m just saying, don’t take any text that has been translated and interpreted and chopped up and reordered over the last 2,000+ years as complete 100% verbatim truth. I get that you really want it to be totally true. But that doesn’t mean it is. I fucking LOVE the Harry Potter series and I wish it was a true story. That doesn’t mean I’m waiting for my letter from Hogwarts to arrive by owl post any time soon… well, not really

:: looks out window for owl ::


23 Responses to I’ll Be Back When I’m Back!

  1. HAHAHAHHAA…. this had me dying… i’m so linking to this

  2. oso says:

    “looks out window for owl”
    I’m of those believers, not necessarily in the bible but I’m Christian.I believe in the Virgin of Guadalupe,don’t know if you know the story but it’s interesting and I’d assume even most Christians might not buy into it,not totally anyway.

    But I despise those type of preachy don’t tolerate dissent support the war and death penalty but no choice type of assholes. They give the rest of us a bad name.

    So I’m completely down with what you wrote.

    • i know the story of the virgin of Guadalupe. i was raised catholic 🙂

      while i don’t believe the story, i believe in your right to believe it. and i thank you for not forcing your beliefs on others. i also respect you for being a true christian in that you put humanity before ideology. thanks for being decent.

  3. Pastor Bobby Dufresne says:

    Why I know That There is a God and That He Loves Me

    A Personal Testimony.

    Allow me to share a story. Not too long ago doubt was creeping into my head about the Lord and then a miracle happened.

    It was 3 years ago and 50 members of my church were enroute to a bible camp in the Blueridge Mountains of Virginia. They were traveling in a chartered bus. As they sang blessed hymns to the Lord, Satan was up to his old tricks. You see, the bus driver was an atheist alcoholic socialist and that day he was filling his coffee mug with vodka. As the bus wound up through the switchbacks, the driver became progressively drunker. Then it happened. It was that day that changed this poor sinner’s life forever. Entering a particularly tight switchback, the besotted driver finally lost control of the bus and it plummeted 1500 feet down into a ravine where it exploded into a fireball incinerating the flock. The only survivor that fateful day was a young boy who was thrown from the bus by his father seconds before it hit the bottom.

    This young boy suffered severe brain damage from hitting a rock head first and will have to wear a football helmet and drool cup for the remainder of his life. But his survival proved to me that miracles do happen because God does exist and loves me. The Lord used that accident to bring me back to his flock.


    Praise Jesus! Just open your eyes to his miracles and you will see them everywhere.

  4. oso says:

    dang socialist bus drivers.

  5. Liz says:


    Awesome post, I kept laughing harder at each sentence. Really awesome post!

  6. oso says:

    Reverend Manny is on to something here.

    Lenin-rhymes with Lennon.John Lennon sometimes wore a hat too.He was married to a Japanese woman-Japan is near China, I remember that from high school.

    You know who else wears hats-the Chinese Peoples Army, that’s who!

    Chinese Army>China>Yoko Ono>Japan>Lennon>Lenin>bus drivers….

    Do you really need a picture? Get to church and pray, then burn your bus pass, take off your hats and look out for the Chinese Army rolling up Pennsylvania avenue!

  7. Rexa says:

    Best blog post, ever!

  8. Random_dude says:

    “First of all, you must understand that in the last days scoffers will come, scoffing and following their own evil desires. They will say, “Where is this ‘coming’ he promised? Ever since our fathers died, everything goes on as it has since the beginning of creation.” But they deliberately forget that long ago by God’s word the heavens existed and the earth was formed out of water and by water. By these waters also the world of that time was deluged and destroyed. By the same word the present heavens and earth are reserved for fire, being kept for the day of judgment and destruction of ungodly men.

    But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

    But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare.”
    2 Peter 3:3-10

    • yeah, that would be the “rationalization, excuses, and interpretations” i was talking about.

    • Duane says:

      I thought they quit making Harry Potter books. Is this one Harry Potter and the Eternal Torture?

    • see…. this is just so manipulative isn’t it? i think christians should be embarassed to admit they believe this sort of nonsense… and we should press them with the question… wait… do you really think that?


      Yeah, well wtf, can I quote from the Brothers Grimm? Maybe Thumbelina is the real anti-christ?

      Your brain, Random_Dude is probably very embarassed to be attached to you.

  9. […] coffee and a comparing of daily planners. And I bet you don’t even show up. We all know your track record for showing up when you say you will. Time to stop flaking out and commit already! We’re tired of rearranging our social […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: