Potential Kitchen Disaster of the Day

September 29, 2010

And how are you lovelies doing on this fine day?(I don’t really give a damn) I thought I’d grace you all with a recipe today. I have other things to write about, but they usually involve me reading about some dumb fucker who makes me want to find a unicorn, cut off its horn, and use it for evil. So I decided to take a break. Don’t I DESERVE a break (from doing absolutely nothing)?! DON’T I?? Well no, but fuck it. I’m gonna take one anyway 😀

I believe I told you that some friends of mine had a birthday coming up and I was going to make dinner and cake for them. Don’t you remember? See, you never listen to me! Anyway, I decided not to make the fondant covered cakes after all. I thought about it and decided it would’ve been a waste. Fondant makes it easier to decorate a cake, but it doesn’t really add any flavor. So I did the next best thing. That’s right, I made cupcakes that look like monkeys.

To start with, you’ll need some chocolate cupcakes. This is a pretty good recipe for a cake that’s not too sickeningly sweet. I didn’t use the red food coloring though. I just didn’t see the point, really. If you want to use a box cake mix, I won’t judge you. I just recommend reading the ingredients and getting the one with the least amount of shit you can’t pronounce in it.

You’ll also need some chocolate butter cream frosting(it doesn’t have to be domino’s). After your cupcakes are COMPLETELY cooled, you’re going to frost them with a thin layer of the butter cream. Reserve about a quarter of the frosting for later. You’ll need it for decorating.

To make your cupcakes look like monkeys you will need:
Vanilla wafer cookies, either store-bought or homemade
M&Ms, or something similar
peanut butter cookies shaped like peanuts, optional

Cut off about ¼ of the vanilla wafers so that there is one flat side. Place one on the bottom part of the cupcake

This is going to be where the mouth and nose go.

If you’re going to use the peanut butter cookies, cut them in half and stick them on either side of the vanilla wafer. These are the ears. I usually don’t bother them though.

Next, put the M&Ms where you want the eyes to be. Don’t be afraid to apply some pressure to get them to stay on(THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!).

To make the nose, mouth and eyeballs, take a plastic zip top bag and poke a hole in one corner. I use a toothpick. You can cut a small bit off the corner if you don’t have toothpicks. Put dots on the M&Ms for the eyes, 2 dots on the top part of the vanilla wafer for the nose and a line for the mouth (if you couldn’t figure this out, you have issues my friend).

Unfortunately, I don’t have a working camera right now so I can’t show you how mine came out. They should look something like this:

Don’t be afraid to get creative with the facial expressions. It’s all about having fun with it (that’s also what she said).

I hope you’ve enjoyed this latest PKD. If not, well, you can kiss my ass. No one held a gun to your head to force you to read it. Or did they..?

Enjoy biznotchezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!



I’ll Be Back When I’m Back!

September 26, 2010

If you’re easily offended by people criticizing religion, please don’t read this blog post. While it’s not meant to hurt feelings or single anyone out specifically, it will probably be quite offensive to some.

Now, I don’t have a problem with most people’s belief in their god of choice. The fact of the matter is, I really don’t care what you believe as long as A)you don’t try to convert me, and B)it helps you to be a better person in your secular life. What starts getting me annoyed is when I hear stuff like 1/3 of Americans believe the bible to be literally true. Really? Like, literally literally? Well, that got me to thinking…

Let’s say Jesus existed. I don’t know whether or not he actually lived, but I like to think so. Let’s assume he did for the sake of this post. If I could travel back in time, I wouldn’t want to be around for the actual Jesus part. No, I’d want to go back to just after the ascension. Remember, The Apostles thought Jesus was coming back soon. If we take the bible to be literally true, we see proof of this in Matthew 10:23 and Revelation 22:12(I think there are other references, but I’m too lazy to look them up right now).

So, I’d like to go back to about 20 years after the ascension. You know, when people were starting to realize hey, maybe he’s not actually coming back. I want to see the rationalization and excuses and interpretations that started happening. Like the one about how Jesus/Heaven time isn’t the same as Earth time. Stuff like that.

It’s like Jesus was one of those Dads who says he’s going to the store for a pack of smokes and never comes home. When you ask how long he’s gonna be he tells you “I’ll be back when I’m back, JESUS!” and slams the door. Here you are, 20 years later, still watching the door. Waiting for him to come home. When someone tells you to give it up, he’s never coming back and you need to get on with your life, the 8-year-old in you comes out and you scream, “HE SAID HE’S COMING BACK! Just you wait! When he gets back he’s gonna give me everything I want. He’ll take me to the carnival and buy me a pony and I’ll always be young and happy and never sad again EVER! And then you’ll be SORRY you EVER said those things about him. Just wait, it’s going to be SO FUCKING AWESOME and you won’t get to join the awesome because you’re a big fat MEANIE who doesn’t BELIEVE!”

Look, I’m not saying don’t believe in whatever you want to believe. I’m just saying, don’t take any text that has been translated and interpreted and chopped up and reordered over the last 2,000+ years as complete 100% verbatim truth. I get that you really want it to be totally true. But that doesn’t mean it is. I fucking LOVE the Harry Potter series and I wish it was a true story. That doesn’t mean I’m waiting for my letter from Hogwarts to arrive by owl post any time soon… well, not really

:: looks out window for owl ::


♫ You Don’t Own Me… ♫

September 20, 2010

I’ll keep this short and sweet. I use adult words on this blog. I say fuck. A lot. I reference sexual acts in conversation. I’m not graphic or anything. But I do use certain words and phrases that some people may not like. They find it offensive. To them I say… get the fuck over it.

I don’t like censorship in general. I think if you don’t like something you should ignore it unless it directly affects your life in some way. Me writing the word fuck on this shitty little blog that about 5 people read doesn’t affect your life. It doesn’t bar you from your pursuit of life, liberty and happiness. If you don’t like what I say, ignore me. If you feel the need to report me, more power to ya.

Some people think my “strong language” is a lazy tool of a weak mind. That it gives me the reputation of being uneducated and crude. That it might cost me friendships or keep from advancing in life. I fucking hope so! Here’s the thing… I am uneducated and crude. Why the hell would I want to be friends with prudish people who, when they see the letters B and J too close together in a sentence, get a bad case of the vapors? And I have very little ambition in life anyway. I doubt my cursing will affect the few goals I do have.

Basically, I’m not going to stop writing the way I’ve been writing. This is how I talk to my friends, this is part of who I am. I’m not going to ‘talk’ to you as though you are precious snowflakes that need coddling, OK? Grow the fuck up or get the fuck out and let’s move on.


Dumbass of the Week

September 19, 2010

I didn’t put a poll up and ask you all to vote for this week’s dumbass. I don’t want you reading under the illusion that this blog is democratic. Anyway, our crowned champion of fuckery this week is…

Christine O’Dumbass O’Donnell, the GOP Senate candidate from Delaware. This woman makes the teabaggers cream in their chastity belts. Really, I don’t even know where to start. The stupidity is strong with this one.

First, you should read this overview of things O’Donnell has actually said, out loud and in public. Here are some of my favorites:

That’s right. She thinks that you choking your chicken is the same as committing adultery (even if you’re not married. You’re committing adultery against your future spouse). And don’t you dare watch porn, you dirty sinner!

Um, what? That’s like saying if I piss in my pants right now, someone else is going to have dirty underwear because of it. As awesome as that would be, it’s not possible.

  • She thinks a woman should ‘graciously submit’ to her husband.

In her defense, she does say that a woman isn’t a slave to her husband. But the man is the ‘leader’ of the household, and a woman should submit to his will. FUCK THAT!

She also thinks providing condoms will help spread STDs. Nice.

She’s one of those people who says, “It’s just a theory.” Fuck you, so is gravity, you dumbass! If you don’t know what the definition of scientific theory is, you need to keep your bobble-headed mouth shut.

No, they didn’t. She said this because she’s against cloning and using embryonic stem cells to cure people of horrible ailments. Because the important thing isn’t helping people, it’s that mice with human brains might try to take over the world. Totally possible.

There are so very many things that make Christine O’Dumbfuck worthy of the DotW award. This is really just the tip of the iceberg-of-stupidity. But the thing that has made me actually kind of hate Christine is this bit of fuckery that was brought to my attention via Rev. Manny and His Empire of Awesomeness:

O’DONNELL: I dabbled into witchcraft

My first thought upon reading this was oh my fuck, here we go.

I didn’t join a coven. I didn’t join a coven, let’s get this straight. […]

But that’s exactly why…because… because I dabbled in witchcraft. I hung around people who were doing these things. I’m not making this stuff up. I know what they told me they do. […]

One of my first dates was with a witch was on a satanic altar and I didn’t know it and there was a little blood there and stuff like that. […]

We went to a movie and then like had a little midnight picnic on a satanic altar.

Because you know what any good Satan worshiping heathen would do? Have a picnic on the altar where they worship The Dark One. Of course! How very romantic! I’m absolutely dying to know what the meal consisted of. I hope it was something like fried chicken, ambrosia salad, and the blood from a sacrificial goat. I also love that he took her to the movies first. I wonder what they saw…

Here’s the thing. When I was a teenager I started becoming interested in Wicca. I read everything I could find on the subject right up into my early 20s. Guess what? THERE IS NO SATAN IN WICCA! Yes, there is a Horned God. But he doesn’t represent evil. He represents the natural world, Earthly things. The Goddess represents the Divine, the spiritual. “Witches” don’t participate in ritual sacrifice. They believe in the Wiccan Rede, which basically says do whatever the fuck you want, as long as you don’t hurt anyone(including yourself). Many Wiccans take that to mean hurting animals as well. Killing an animal in order to get some kind of spiritual advancement doesn’t really fit into The Craft. FYI, watching Charmed, The Craft, or Practical Magic doesn’t make you an expert on witchcraft.

Christine O’Donnell never dated a witch. If what she said was true, she either dated a Satanist or she dated someone who was trying to impress her with his ‘bad boy’ edge in order to get a BJ. But I’m pretty sure this never happened. She’s like that one dumb bitch in high school who lied about everything so that the cool kids would like her. But the cool kids all hated her because they knew she was full of shit so they made her life hell. And now she’s taking that shit out on the entire state of Delaware.

And how the holy fuck do you “dabble into” something? No wonder, she and Queen BumpIt are bffs now!


Beware the Swarm

September 15, 2010

Hustlers and the Idiot Swarm: A Working Class Rant for a Doomed Civilization
by Reverend Manny and the
Twilight Empire

Cover design and Layout by Liz Di Nunzio

That’s right, biznotchezz, I’m about to write a review up in this piece! Like a real writer and shit! I know what some of you are thinking. “BCM, you’re not a real writer!” I know that. This is for you.

It’s only fair that I tell you that The Rev and I go way back. We were friends in the vortex of evil known as High School, lost touch, and reconnected about a year or 2 ago. So, though I’ll try to be as neutral as possible here, I can’t promise that my view is completely unbiased. OK? OK. Let’s do this.

Do you wake up in the morning with the distinct feeling that you’re being screwed over? Does watching the 11 o’clock news at night make you rage? Does listening to Fox”News” for more than 2 seconds make you want to punch people in the crotch? Do you have any idea WHY you feel that way? If not, you absolutely need to read this book. It’s perfect for those of us who are just waking up to the realization that our country is being run by a bunch corporate douche packers who don’t give 2 flying fucks about your working/middle-class booty.

But the good Rev doesn’t just call out the Hustlers who pimp out our environment, our health, our freedoms. No, no. He calls out the Idiot Swarm as well. He points the finger at those who consistently vote against their own best interest because they allow themselves to be swayed by talking bobble-heads and BumpIt queens.

How could 60% of us want less government spending, 60% of us want less government regulation, while at the same time 83% of us are insistent that the government do more to create jobs (by investing in the economy?

In 21st century newspeak: WTF?
“Hustlers and the Idiot Swarm” p. 14

This book isn’t preachy. It’s a history lesson in how many ways the elitist, corporatist, fundamentalist, greedy fucktards have found to fuck you. And The Rev has cited sources! Glorious, glorious sources! And they’re real, not the fabricated kind. If  I had to cite sources in my Global Studies term paper, I expect at least the same level of authentication in the things I read now. I’m just sayin’…

This book is just…right. Not this kind of right. I mean right like that feeling you get when you wake up and have that first sip of delicious coffee. Or when you catch all your trains right on time, no waiting, no running. Reading this book made all kinds of stuff make sense. It made me want to be a better person, a better Progressive, a better Humanist. And the end! The end, my friends, is where hope begins.

p.s. – James Taylor will destroy us all!


Potential Kitchen Disaster of the Day

September 14, 2010

Oh. My fucking. God. I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last posted a PKD. You must be so frustrated with me, wondering why I’m not paying as much attention to you as I used to. Remembering all those recipes we’ve shared, wondering if I’m sharing my recipes with other lovelies. Asking yourselves if those recipes meant as much to me as they did to you. NO, they didn’t! HAHAHAHAHA! What? You don’t buy my groceries. You don’t pay for my kitchen supplies. YOU DON’T OWN ME!!!

I don’t know about you people, but I LOVE celebrating my friends’ birthdays. I love cooking for them and making them cakes. I want to make sure they know that I’m glad their parents did unprotected naughty things that resulted in their births. 2 of my friends have birthdays coming up. I’ve been trying to think of what I can do for them this year. While I have no idea what I’m going to cook because that depends on the choices available at the market that day, I think I’ve figured out what to do with the cake(s).

In keeping with the PKD motto(DAMN THE MAN! Make that shit yo’self!), I’ve decided to make their cake(s) fancier by using this recipe for rolled fondant. Fondant is basically a sugar blanket you put over a cake to give it a smooth, clean surface. You can also use it to make pretty decorations for said cake. Now, there are some famous bakeries that will charge a minimum of $1000 for a fancy shmancy cake. I’m sure they are very talented cake artists and deserve every penny(must…resist…eye-roll…), but this here is a blue collar blog. And this blue collar mamma does not have $1000 for no cake. So, here we go:

Ingredients:

* 1 cup light corn syrup
* 1 cup shortening
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1 teaspoon clear vanilla extract
* 2 pounds confectioners’ sugar

Directions:

1. In a large bowl, stir together the shortening and corn syrup. Mix in the salt and vanilla flavoring, then gradually mix in the confectioners’ sugar until it is a stiff dough. If you are using a stand mixer, use the dough hook attachment. Otherwise, knead by hand. If the dough is sticky, knead in more confectioners’ sugar until it is smooth. Store in an airtight container at room temperature or in the refrigerator.

2. To use, roll out on a clean surface that has been dusted with confectioners’ sugar until it is 1/8 inch thick or thinner if you can. Drape over frosted and chilled cakes and smooth the sides down, or cut into strips to make bows and other decorations.

I know, I know. There’s corn syrup in this recipe. I tried to find one without it and failed. The good thing is the fondant peels off. You don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to.

I honestly think that using your hands would be the best thing here(THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID), instead of a mixer. Also, in order to make the fondant stick to the cake, you’ll have to put a light layer of frosting on the cake. Not a lot. Just a thin layer to cover. You can use the canned stuff if you want. I just use the recipe on the back of the box of confectioner’s sugar to make my own. And make sure the cake is COMPLETELY COOLED! If it isn’t, the fondant will not sit right on the cake. It might even melt a bit. Not cute.

The cake(s) I’m making will probably be chocolate with some kind of chocolate-y, fruity goodness for filling. I can’t tell you what the design will be for 2 reasons. 1 – My friends read this blog and I want it to be a surprise, and 2 – It’s none of your fucking business 😀

Enjoy biznotchezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!


Today…

September 11, 2010

Today, I remember the victims. I don’t care where they were from, what they believed in, what their favorite baseball team was. I care that they were people.

Today I also hope. Maybe one day, we ugly bags of mostly water will figure out how to live together on this pale blue dot in peace.