Dumbass of the Week

The results are in. And the winner of the Dumbass of the Week award goes to…Mr. Stoma!

(I don’t have an actual pic of him,  so here is a likeness)

Why is Mr. Stoma DotW material? Because he fucked with my friends and he had no reason to. If my friends had done anything to provoke his douchery, I wouldn’t be writing this.

So, my friends – we’ll call them Mr. J and Ms. D – had this friend on FB. As you may have guessed, that friend was Mr. Stoma. After about a month of being FB friends, Mr. Stoma asks for their phone numbers. Why did he ask for their numbers? I don’t know, I’m not familiar with the inner working of the dumbass mind. All I know is that instead of getting a nice leisurely phone call regarding common interests or even healthy political debate, what my friends got was a storm of condescending, vitriolic, and downright rude bullshit.

There are 2 things you need to know about Mr. J and Ms. D before I continue. 1 – They are really GD smart. I mean intelligent AND knowledgeable. But they are not arrogant and in-your-face about it. So, sometimes people try to slip backhanded insults into conversations with them. MISTAKE! 2 – Mr. J is not the fucking one. I know because he and I go way back(goddamn, like 12 or 13 years…fuck we’re old). If you say some dumb, ignorant shit to him, he WILL call you on it.

Here are a few excerpts from emails between Ms. D and me about this wonderful specimen of a dumbass…

this weekend [Mr. Stoma] asked for our numbers. i was a little eh about that so i asked [Mr.J] and he was like sure. so yesterday he calls me and i guess he just wanted to bullshit, but like it was the middle of my workday so i got off. i don’t really remember the particulars, but it’s what he said to [Mr. J] that was really fucked up.

I’m going to pause here to say something. Ms. D and Mr. J work from home. And when I say work, I MEAN ACTUAL WORK! They have a schedule and deadlines and shit. People who work from home don’t owe you their time just because they don’t work in an office. They don’t give a fuck about how ‘some bitch in the club totally gave you a dirty look last night’ at 1p.m.. They’re fucking busy. Just because you go to work and put in the least possible amount of effort in an 8 hour period doesn’t mean they do, too. Stop. Just stop.

he pretty much started the convo with [Mr. J] by pissing him off. he(Mr. Stoma) opened with something like “so you’re having sex with my girlfriend”. Um, WTF?

ಠ_ಠ

Yeah…GROSS! That comment is wrong on so many levels. They all barely know each other. And Mr. Stoma is about twice Ms. D’s age. And, apparently, Mr. Stoma was intoxicated at the time of this call. That’s like your dad’s drunk co-worker coming up to your boyfriend at the company’s Christmas party and saying “sho, you sleepin’ wit mah girlfrien, eh? Eh?”, and doing the wink-wink-nudge-nudge thing while staring at your tits. Creepy.

After [Mr. J] gets off the phone, with [Mr. Stoma] throwing backhanded insults the whole time, he calls me. But I have his number on silent so I don’t even notice, lol. No voicemail.

So I guess [Mr. Stoma] went after [Mr. J] on Facebook again today. I guess they were messaging thru it and then I guess he signed off cause [Mr. J] kept being diplomatic, but unrelenting.

THEN, he posts a comment on my fb saying “is you bf a psycho?”

If by psycho you mean calling you out on being a fucking dick, then yes. I have no idea what was actually said between Mr. Stoma and Mr. J. I emailed Mr. J, but he didn’t answer(side-eyes at you, Mr. J!). He did post some stuff on FB that summed up the convo pretty well.

when someone mentions I DON’T DRINK like 50x times while being offensive, losing track of conversation and forgetting entire events…. one has to savor at least a little bit o’ irony

And, when asking if I should nominate this dude for DotW:

YES!!!

Mr. “i sweah i dwont drink and i’l fukn… snore” Stoma

That last one made coffee come out my nose.

Mr Stoma is Dumbass of the Week because he’s doing his drinking problem all wrong. You don’t get plastered at 1 in the afternoon and drunk-dial people you don’t know. You call your ex-gf from 20 years ago and alternate between calling her a dirty whore and sobbing about how she was the one who got away. Then, you turn on your camcorder, do a drunken strip tease(forgetting that it’s laundry day and you’re wearing the underwear with the holes and streak marks), fall over in the middle of it, and upload it to YouTube. GET IT RIGHT, you alcoholic piece of donkey shit DUMBASS!

Pro-tip: DO NOT fuck with my friends. Like, ever.

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4 Responses to Dumbass of the Week

  1. writechic says:

    Wow. What a fuckstick.

  2. Mia says:

    I voted twice just so I could hear this story.

  3. […] get an oily, gross tasting mess. Not only that, it’ll look like the loose skin hanging from Mr. Stoma’s ball sack. Is that what you want? IS […]

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