The Anxiety..It Attacked Me!

I got my first anxiety attack when I was about 15 or 16. I was on the train, on my way to school. It was winter, so I had on my heavy-ass coat. It was a reversible brown jacket with suede on one side and faux fur on the other. It was so heavy my shoulders would hurt after wearing it for a while. When we’d go to the cafe to hang out, some of my friends would use it as a pillow. And yes, it looked as bad as it sounds.

I remember I started sweating so I unzipped my heavy-ass brown coat. With every stop on the subway I found it harder and harder to breathe. The train car I was in was crowded, it being the morning rush hour. I was standing in the middle of the car, holding on to one of the poles, trying so hard not to pass out. I couldn’t figure out what the hell was wrong with me. People were staring at me out of the corners of their eyes. They probably thought I was on something.

It felt like my heart was beating a thousand times a minute. The pressure on my chest was slowly becoming painful. My head was spinning and I was sweating like prostitute in church. I kept telling myself there were only a few stops left. Just 4 more stops. God, I hope I don’t get sick on this train. These people will hate me. Besides, only losers get sick on the train. 3 more stops. Fuck! Did I eat something bad? Was it the coffee? No, it’s me. I need to relax. Why the fuck can’t I just catch my breath and RELAX?! 2 more stops just 2 more stops before I can get the hell out of this godforsaken piece of shit train god I hate this train I hate everyone on this train . 1 more just 1 I can’t nonono I CAN’T fuck am I crying just 1 more 1 more 1 just 1 1 1 1…

Finally I got off at my stop. I ran out of the station as quickly as I could. I didn’t even zipper my jacket. And it was cold. Usually I hate the cold but right then, at that very second the cold felt so goddamn good. I mean if Jack goddamn Frost had been standing there at that moment I would’ve given him anything. And I mean anything…

Since then I’ve gotten more anxiety attacks. I had one today. It was a little disappointing because I hadn’t had one in a really long time. Since learning to meditate I’ve been a lot calmer than in my younger years(I know, this is me calmer). I try to live within my means, which is a huge stress-reducer. I have a wonderful son, a great partner, and awesome friends, so there isn’t a whole lot to get frazzled about. No, I don’t have everything I want, but I have everything I need. So when I do get anxiety attacks there is always a good amount of guilt that comes with it.

So, I kept repeating this quote over and over again:

“There is no calamity greater than lavish desires. There is no greater guilt than discontentment. And there is no greater disaster than greed.” –Lao-tzu

Eventually, after chanting this for a little while followed by a tickle fight with Lil Blue, I felt much better. I’m still feeling a little tight in the chest(that’s what she said?), but I think by tomorrow I’ll be good.

I don’t know why I’m writing about this shit, either. I’m pretty sure most people don’t give a fuck. But what can I say? It’s my blog and I’ll bitch if I want to!

6 Responses to The Anxiety..It Attacked Me!

  1. Mia says:

    I’m glad you shared that. Love you!

  2. Anxiety attacks can be real scarey – In my forties, anxiety would bring on severe dizziness – Dr actually put me on meds for awhile. Hope you are feeling better. xo

  3. Davida Schnebelen says:

    I had a really bad one waiting at the dr’s office the other day. I’m just sitting there watching the T.V, the kids are playing nicely in the kid’s area and then all of a sudden, I was like “shit, here we go”. I actually felt the flash of sweat and cold climb up the back of my neck and had to sit calmly and talk myself out of it. I swear I thought I was gonna end up on the floor, had to tell my oldest to get the nurse in case mommy went down…..ugh, friggin, no one understands them unless you have them.

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