I got my first anxiety attack when I was about 15 or 16. I was on the train, on my way to school. It was winter, so I had on my heavy-ass coat. It was a reversible brown jacket with suede on one side and faux fur on the other. It was so heavy my shoulders would hurt after wearing it for a while. When we’d go to the cafe to hang out, some of my friends would use it as a pillow. And yes, it looked as bad as it sounds.
I remember I started sweating so I unzipped my heavy-ass brown coat. With every stop on the subway I found it harder and harder to breathe. The train car I was in was crowded, it being the morning rush hour. I was standing in the middle of the car, holding on to one of the poles, trying so hard not to pass out. I couldn’t figure out what the hell was wrong with me. People were staring at me out of the corners of their eyes. They probably thought I was on something.
It felt like my heart was beating a thousand times a minute. The pressure on my chest was slowly becoming painful. My head was spinning and I was sweating like prostitute in church. I kept telling myself there were only a few stops left. Just 4 more stops. God, I hope I don’t get sick on this train. These people will hate me. Besides, only losers get sick on the train. 3 more stops. Fuck! Did I eat something bad? Was it the coffee? No, it’s me. I need to relax. Why the fuck can’t I just catch my breath and RELAX?! 2 more stops just 2 more stops before I can get the hell out of this godforsaken piece of shit train god I hate this train I hate everyone on this train . 1 more just 1 I can’t nonono I CAN’T fuck am I crying just 1 more 1 more 1 just 1 1 1 1…
Finally I got off at my stop. I ran out of the station as quickly as I could. I didn’t even zipper my jacket. And it was cold. Usually I hate the cold but right then, at that very second the cold felt so goddamn good. I mean if Jack goddamn Frost had been standing there at that moment I would’ve given him anything. And I mean anything…
Since then I’ve gotten more anxiety attacks. I had one today. It was a little disappointing because I hadn’t had one in a really long time. Since learning to meditate I’ve been a lot calmer than in my younger years(I know, this is me calmer). I try to live within my means, which is a huge stress-reducer. I have a wonderful son, a great partner, and awesome friends, so there isn’t a whole lot to get frazzled about. No, I don’t have everything I want, but I have everything I need. So when I do get anxiety attacks there is always a good amount of guilt that comes with it.
So, I kept repeating this quote over and over again:
“There is no calamity greater than lavish desires. There is no greater guilt than discontentment. And there is no greater disaster than greed.” –Lao-tzu
Eventually, after chanting this for a little while followed by a tickle fight with Lil Blue, I felt much better. I’m still feeling a little tight in the chest(that’s what she said?), but I think by tomorrow I’ll be good.
I don’t know why I’m writing about this shit, either. I’m pretty sure most people don’t give a fuck. But what can I say? It’s my blog and I’ll bitch if I want to!