What Would Zombie Jesus Do?

First, he’d eat some human flesh. I mean, he is a fucking zombie.

But after that, he’d apparently steal $1.3 million and spend it on fancy hotels, clothes, food and…FANCY MALE WHORES! How do I know that’s what he’d do? Because, that’s what a priest in Waterbury is accused of doing. And priests are supposed to be all Christ-like, aren’t they?

Now before you all go getting your panties in a bunch over this, let me just say that I know the actions of one priest do not represent the Catholic Church as a whole. And I know priests are only human and make human mistakes. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. If you’re looking for a politically correct, circle jerk about how the church is mostly hunky dory, you came to the wrong goddamn blog.

There are a couple of things in this article that really piss me off. For starters:

Waterbury police launched an investigation after the archdiocese came to them May 27 and said it had uncovered unauthorized payments from church funds to accounts held by Gray and other suspicious transactions, according to the affidavit, which was prepared by Waterbury Police Detective Peter Morgan.

What the fucking fuck?! When the archdiocese suspects a priest of stealing cash, they go running to the cops. But when there’s allegations of child molestation, they clam up tighter than a duck’s asshole. Because stealing from the Holy Fucking See is way worse than diddling little kids, right? They need that money to continue their good works, right?

Gray told police that he is gay and has a problem with the church’s stance on homosexuality, the affidavit states.

Seriously, dude? Really? You mean to tell me you didn’t know the church’s position on homosexuality before you became a priest? Get. The fuck. Out. Now.

In addition, Gray acquired more than $200,000 by signing an agreement with Wireless Capital Partners, LLC, out of Santa Monica, Calif. The warrant states that the church found out about the agreement when the company called them, asking about extending their lease.

Gray told police “that there was an antenna in the steeple of the church that could be used for wireless communications.” He said he made the agreement in order to have access to more money.

I actually don’t have a problem with this. I just think that this Gray dude has giant cojones(sort of NSFW).

The fact is, this Gray person stole the money that hard-working individuals donated to the church. They thought the money was going to be put towards charitable deeds, not to pay for someone else to get their creepy, wrinkly, old man rocks off. Some may argue that they deserve it for still believing in an all-powerful sky goblin and his zombie offspring. That’s debateable, I guess.

Still, Kevin Gray is a liar liar pants on fire. He told the dude he was shacking up with part-time that he had fucking cancer. You just don’t lie about shit like that. Even I have my limits. Not cool, Kevin. Not cool at all.

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