Potential Kitchen Disaster of the Day

I feel like 100 angry elves visited me in the night but instead of fixing my shoes or giving me toys or cookies, they angrily kicked me in the neck. Repeatedly. With steel-toe boots. That’s what I get for calling Santa a fat-ass slave driver who probably has a tiny pecker(red car = small penis, sorry guys). He sent his goons after me! I see how it is, Kringle. This ain’t over… 😡

Needless to say, if i do decide to cook tonight it’ll be something simple. So, instead, here is another Argentinian recipe for you. Empanadas!

The outside shell or crust is called tapas. Not like appetizers, like the spanish word for lid. You can make your own, but we never did in my grandma’s house. We just bought them at the supermarket. You will probably find these if you live in NYC. Or look for these.

Traditional filling:

1 pound ground beef
1 tablespoon butter
2 onion
1 1/2 tablespoons smoked paprika
2 teaspoons cumin
green olives, pitted and cut into slices, about 6
2 hard-boiled eggs, cut into rounds
salt and pepper to taste
crushed red pepper, to taste

In a medium saucepan, heat the butter over medium-high heat. Put the onions, sliced finely in rounds, in a frying pan and salt them. Saute until they start to become translucent, then add in the beef. Cook the ground beef. Add salt and pepper to taste. Cook until the beef has cooked through, then stir in the paprika, cumin, and crushed red pepper and mix well.

You will need a glass of water and a fork. On a lightly floured work surface, place a tapa round. Put about a tbsp of the meat filling in, then hard-boiled egg and a piece of olive. To seal, dip your finger into water and moisten top half of the crust’s edge. Fold bottom half over and press with fingers. Empanadas should look like a half-moon. Use fork to press the edges closed; not too hard, remember the puppy, Lenny.

Now, some people prefer baking empanadas instead of deep-frying them because they want to be all healthy and shit. If this is you, leave my blog and don’t ever show your GD face around here again.

If you’re deep-frying, heat oil to about 360 and fry one or 2 at a time for about a minute or 2. If you’re frying in a skillet, heat oil til a drop of water sizzles in it. Fry on each side for about 3 minutes, until just golden.

There are a number of different fillings for empanadas. I don’t use hard-boiled eggs(aka Satan’s favorite food) or olives. Instead, you can throw a handful of raisins in with the meat filling during the last-minute of cooking. Trust me, it’s delicious. Some people like mushrooms. Some people put some cheese in the shell before placing the meat mixture on. You could even do dessert style ones if you wanted to. Give em a try.

Now I’m gonna go find dat fat fuck what did dis to mah neck. IT’S ON, CLAUS!

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